YOUTH

A week left for me as a seventeen years old girl. Things that put my life in high and low happened a lot in this age. Finding direction to live, uncover reasons to keep walking, and keep faith to my dreams are several examples of my struggle during this age. I admit that I often felt tired and got lost for many reasons. Thus, I got stuck countless times. I also frequently complained to my God about why my youth is so complicated.

I realize that youth is not an easy period of living. As many people say, it is the time to look for who you really are. My youth is not as smooth as silk, but it is something more precious than a ton of diamonds. Without what it brings, I wouldn’t know the value of myself and my life as what I do today. This is my first story, I am not an expert to talk about life issues or psychological condition of a person, but I will continue to share my life experience of being a human and my thoughts about what is there as the best as I can.

Talking about youth, I have been trying to look for answers for these questions for the last three years.

“What kind of person I want to become in this short period of living?”

“What kind of life I want to live?” 

“What is my quality as a human which significant for this world as the reason for why I am alive?

It takes years to finally answer them. Even today, I still can’t give the very specific answer for those questions. I feel that the more I think about them the more I see myself as nobody.

Few years ago, I dared myself to tackle those essential questions because I felt so hollow to live the way I lived. I felt that I was walking without knowing where to go and let the external factors affected my life significantly. In other words, I didn’t take the main control in my life. And I realized that I hated those ways of living and I wanted to live a passionate life. Thus, since that time I started to find out my purpose and the answer for all the questions above.
Today, I am so grateful for those hard times because I could find my dream, which is something really precious in my life. Something that I keep at the bottom of my heart and will never let go because it gives rainbow to my grayish life.
Being Ikhlas would never be easy because we would be trained by hardships and obstacles to finally imprint it in our soul. However, we just need to keep practicing it. At the end of the day, our heart would find ikhlas is the answer for the peace that it has been craving for a long time 

In eleven grade of senior high school, I got my worst time because dealing with myself who had no purpose to live. It was absolutely tough. I found it was hard to socialize, I couldn’t trust anybody so I had no one to talk to. I even questioned about my religion. I cry every night, I felt like so lonely, my brain felt so full with unknown matters, and I couldn’t find the way out for those problems. It may sound strange, but at that time I couldn’t understand what was going on with myself. At some point I asked myself, “Is it actually complicated or is it just me who take it complicated?”

Finding answers and reasons for those questions was a hard battle to fight against myself. It hurts a lot. It takes years to regain strength to make up my chaotic life. Countless times I failed and trapped in the same hole. But finally, I made my way to make up my my life.

Besides that, those hard times gave me something to hold on to. It is God. Something that I always forgot while it is the most important thing to keep in life. In attempt to be closer to Him, I found the peace that I had been looking for my entire life. I can’t illustrate it, but my heart feel it. So, I choose to be with my God and my religion which make my heart feel at ease and comfort. I started to learn about how to be Ikhlas of whatever happen to me and to my life. No doubt, it changed my life thereafter. I feel just fine even though my life was getting harder. 

At the place where I stand right now, I look back, then I realize that pain is not come only to drown us and tear us apart. It is simply a test. Once we could make peace with the pain, it would no longer hurt. It would turn into something that we are grateful to have in our lives. 

Life doesn’t promise us an eternal joy without hardships. But it promises each soul a wonderful story which couldn’t be found on the other ones. So, if you have a hard time today, just hold on. You will have your time to finally see how much you have grown. Most importantly, you will see how beautiful your life is. Be patient until the time comes. 

Youth is once in a lifetime moment. Whatever it makes you feel like, it is a part of yourself. It is something that would make you become someone whom you are proud of to become.